Transformers=S0xx0r R0xx0rage

Fri 06 July 2007

Coming in to the movie, I thought "I hope Michael Bay didn't fuck it up, but Jalopnik said it was cool, so he couldn't have done too much damage." Considering I paid $7.50 for a ticket (!; Visiting family in another state, it's usually $4.50 for a matinee at home), I was expecting something big to recoup my losses. I can certainly say I got what I paid for. Keep in mind that this will not be the bast Transformers review ever, but it'll be a nice synopsis. WARNING: EXTREME SPOILERS AHEAD.

OK, it starts off kinda slow, but cool, when soldiers in Iraq get attacked by a Decepticon , Scorponok, who tries to break into the US central network He does not succeed, but they try again later. Most people get murked, but some escape. Meanwhile, back in the good ol' US of A, the hero Sam is buying his first car, which ends up being Bumblebee. He made sure he was the one to get bought when he sonically smashes all the other cars' windows on the lot. Pretty soon after this, he meets the love interest, Mikaela at a picnic. He offers to take her home, but Bumblebee tries to get him laid when he pulls over on a scenic hill and starts playing Barry White (not really, but you get the point).

A little bit later, Frenzy (a small Decepticon, looks like a CD player) infiltrates Air Force 1 and successfully hacks their network. He finds out about "Project Iceman", which is about Sam's great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, finding Megatron's frozen body while exploring the Artic Circle, and the coverup of his landing. What nobody except the robots know though, is that Captin Witwicky's glasses, which Sam was trying to sell on eBay, contained the location of the Allspark, which Megatron wants to use to enslave humans, and Optimus Prime wants to use it to restore their homeland. Now upon finding all this out, Frenzy plants a virus. The government cuts him off before Frenzy can find everything out and before he can fully plant the virus, but he knows enough to put Archibal's glasses with Sam Witwicky, and thus go looking for Sam.

When he comes back from the police station after being arrested, his car starts to follow him. He manages to lose it somewhat, but runs into a Decepticon, Roadblock (the really bitchin' Shelby-lookin police 'Stang; I love the way they made that car look). He almost gets seriously fucked up, when Bumblebee comes to save his bacon. Around this time Mikaela arives to see what is going on, but he gets her into the car with him, and the three of them (Sam, Mikaela, and Bumblebee) try to escape Barricade. They don't succeed, and Bumblebee ends up fighting and defeating Barricade. He then goes with the two humans to meet up with the other Autobots, but not before Frenzy fights with the two humans, gets decapitated, and disuises himself as Mikaela's cell phone.

While driving away to meet the other Autobots, Mikaela makes a snide comment about Bumblebee's appearance (a '69 "Piece of crap Camaro"). At this point, Bumblebee kicks the both of them out, and it makes for a funny line from Sam (
"He's a very sensitive car."), but he turns around and scans a 2008 Camaro coming the other way, and changes his form to it.

The next scene is basically the humans meeting up with everyone: Jazz (a Solstice, acts black), Ironhide (a GMC Topkick, weapons expert), Ratchet (a H2 Hummer in search/rescue livery, makes funniest one liner in the movie: " The pheromone levels in the male indicates he wants to mate with the other."(That quote is so nice it deserves its own story; after that, Mikaela looks akwardly away from Sam, and Sam stands there speechless, he should've told Ratchet to quit c-blocking, or something)), and finally Optimus Prime. I don't have to say what he was because everyone should know.

After the introductions, Optimus tells Sam why they need to find his great-great-grandfather's glasses, and how it benefits them all. It's not without incident, though, since they mess up his father's backyard, nearly vaproized their pet chihuahua, Mojo, and caused a very awkward-and funny-conversation about masturbation (I hate the fact that I can't find it, but I will edit it into this post when I do). But the glasses are given to the Autobots when Sector Seven. arrives ("Never heard of you.""And you never will.") Basically the NSA on steroids, takes Sam, his family, and Mikaela, but not before the Autobots can intercept Sam and Mikaela's transport.

Basically from here on, it's straight action sequences, explosions, and all other kinds of cool shit. They find the Allspark (the gov't was hiding it, of course), and to show its power they transform one guy's phone (Anthony Anderson, I forget his character's name) into a transformer; they didn't say who it was affiliated with, but since it tried to kill them while they were looking at him, I think it's safe to say it was a Decepticon. The ending was , I guess you could say, bittersweet, not because it was happy yet sad, but happy yet weird. Anyway, that's my review, and I hope all 0 of you out there like it.