I was bored and stumbling across the web when I landed on this blog, and while I can't quite connect with what he's saying since I neither know or wish to know anyone who reads the damn books, I thought his opening conversation was much to lenient toward anyone who does. So, I've decided to rewrite it myself.

The other day, my wife confronted me for not meeting one of my Man Duties.

"You still haven't fixed my bike," she scolded. (I had promised to do so some months ago.) "Edward would have fixed Bella's bike by now," she huffed.

"You still haven't stopped reading those godawful books," I quickly retorted, fed up with being compared to that shimmering asshole. "Edward would've dumped your 'he sparkles in the sunshine' ass to smash your sister like I'm planning to if you don't stop comparing me to that glittery bastard."

"I hoped you weren't planning on having sex this millennium," she huffed as she stormed out of the room. Casualty of war, couldn't be avoided. You see, I had forgotten the first rule of Twilight-Widowhood – never pick a fight with Edward. You won’t win. Sure, I won this battle - but the war still rages, and the casualties make the victory little more than Pyhrric.

As she stomped off, I suddenly felt a strong surge of kinship with Jacob Black.

4AM makes you do funny things.